The
Psychology of Weddings
by Joelle Besnette,
M.A.
Weddings,
like any other major life event, can bring out the best and worst
in all of us: generosity, creativity, humor, as well as jealousy,
control, and even boredom. Many times, women and men approach
weddings from vastly different points of view. It seems that women
are more obvious about their feelings, yet weddings also deeply
affect men as well – especially, of course, the groom. Here
are some surprising insights into women's psychology of weddings.
Women
and Weddings
The Bride: All women have, at some level, an
amount of ‘wedding indoctrination’ buried deep within.
We are raised to believe in the ‘fairy-tale romance’,
and whether the idea is appealing or revolting, we’ve all
been exposed over and over again to the notion of being rescued
by a handsome prince riding in on a white horse. There’s
also not much of a leap between a Bride and a Princess in the
female psyche. The traditional bridal gown is our one opportunity
to be Queen for a Day, complete with tiara, regal attire, and
a seat at the head of the table. Our officiant ‘crowns’
us in front of loving spectators, pronounces us husband and wife,
and after much fanfare, we are served an elegant meal by those
who wait on us, hand and foot. The Bride even has her very own
attendant, the Maid of Honor, as well as other, more subordinate
attendants.
The
ceremony itself is expected by many women to be ‘perfect’;
a wealth of advertising budgets are spent convincing you that
one service or product will help you ‘create the perfect
day’. Perfect, in fact, is probably the word used most often
in wedding advertising. Ladies, it’s our one opportunity
in life to play the ultimate dress-up, make a grand entrance with
the perfect dress, hair, makeup, and more. We express our vows
with perfect grace and poise, exchange rings as symbols of our
eternal bond, then turn to face our adoring audience as they spend
the remainder of the day congratulating and admiring us. The photographer
captures each precious moment as it unfolds, and as we arrive
at the reception and are presented (complete with our new title),
we are seated above the crowd, surrounded by our admirers, beautiful
flowers, gifts, and music. We are the first to be served, the
first to dance, and the first to cut the cake. When else in our
lives is one day centered completely around us?
While men
tend to think of all this as a lot of hoopla, women take it very
seriously. Those who take it a little too seriously turn into
the dreaded “Bridezilla” –
the ultimate control freak and perfectionist who delights in bossing
others around, who is never satisfied. For most brides, however,
the wedding is an experience in the ultimate event planning. Although
many advertisers claim that weddings can and should be stress-free,
we all know that they never are. We place too much importance
– consciously and unconsciously – on our wedding to
have a casual attitude about it. What is it within us women, in
particular, that demands such impossibly high standards?
First, let’s
look at the Queen for a Day analogy. Women still
struggle with discrimination and objectification, even in 21st
century America. We all share the same wound, whether we are self-made
CEOs bathing in the limelight, or berated customer service agents
bathing in a sea of gray corporate cubicle. We all struggle to
be taken seriously, and to feel empowered – even if it is
just for a day. Rather ironic, then, that a large and often complex
event like a wedding offers us symbolic respite from the lack
of control we often feel in our daily lives. Naturally, something
– often a few things – will go wrong; and when they
do, many of us are forced to reconcile the picture-perfect fantasy
with the reality of the octopus commonly known as event planning.
Men, by contrast, truly don’t seem to get bent out of shape
when the bouquet or even boutonniere is not what was originally
chosen. Men just seem to be able to roll with these things, generally
speaking, so much better than women.
And ‘better
than’ is exactly what’s at the bottom, what’s
deeply buried underneath all our expectations, hopes, and dreams.
While women strive to show that, on this one single day, they
can be ‘better than’ any other day, men sail through
all the planning details with enviable nonchalance. When men get
involved in the planning details, the meaning of it all just isn’t
there like it is for women. Men don’t care if there are
roses or lilies, purple linens or gold. Somehow, they’ve
managed to keep their focus on the one thing that really counts:
that they are committing to the love of their lives, and if they’re
married at the end of the day, that’s all that really matters.
We know it, and they know it. So, how do we as women find our
balance?
First, we
have to take a bold and daring look inside ourselves. In our drive
for perfectionism, we as women have actually
set ourselves up for some degree of ironic failure. It’s
more often men, our beloved husbands, who keep a cool head and
(if we have just a little awareness) show us that, despite our
grand efforts, once more they are ‘better’. They’ve
probably not lost any sleep over the details of the planning.
They may have tossed and turned the night before the wedding when
the reality of ‘lifelong commitment’ starts to sink
in, but that’s fodder for another article.
So ladies,
I’d like to dare us all to consider a few pointed questions.
What’s the worst that could happen if our
wedding isn’t perfect? Do we think our audience of beloved
family and friends will realize we aren’t perfect either?
Oh no! Perhaps they will think we don’t deserve our new
status. Or, even worse, maybe they just won’t take us seriously.
Maybe our worst fear goes beyond narcissistic tendencies, that
they’ll be apathetic towards our wedding – proving
the worst fear deep within the heart of all, that we just don’t
matter.
This may
all sound too harsh and probably more than a little too cerebral,
but as a woman, a bride, a bridesmaid, and a wedding guest, I’ve
seen it firsthand. All of us – women and men included –
strive to prove to ourselves each day that we matter, that we
are important, powerful, capable, and above all, worthy.
We go into a blissful state of denial so we can convince ourselves
that everyone adores us and is ever so impressed by us. For women,
delusions of grandeur come out in full force at our wedding, and
many other more mundane occasions. And, to be fair, men’s
do too – just usually not at weddings.
So with all
that being said, I’d like to suggest a few semi-deep thoughts
for all of us, beautiful ladies.
·
Acknowledge those illusions, feelings, and
fantasies that lie deep within you.
· Decide how you’d
like to handle them in light of your upcoming wedding.
· Ask your fiance
for help and some reassurance when you need it. It really is
okay for all of us ladies to ask for just a little help sometimes!
· Humor therapy
– Watch silly movies or shows, or anything else that makes
you laugh, brings you closer to your fiance, and helps you blow
off steam.
· Take a deep breath,
and know that you are not alone! Every woman I know (myself
included) has had opportunities to deal with the dark side of
our psyches, particularly when her wedding day approaches.
I sincerely
hope this article has shed some light on the issues beneath the
fondant-covered surface of wedding planning. Namaste.
About
the author: Ms. Besnette holds a Masters degree in Counseling
and was married in 2004 at Arches National Park in Moab,
Utah. |
